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Jokes
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| FoulLil |
Posted on 10-03-2010 07:44
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 184
Joined: 08.02.10
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LOLOLOLOL ...don't get any ideas, phil!  |
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| Og |
Posted on 18-03-2010 13:46
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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| FoulLil |
Posted on 18-03-2010 23:59
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 184
Joined: 08.02.10
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HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA I LOVE THAT ONE! |
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| Sonic |
Posted on 19-03-2010 15:34
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FLATUL MINION
Posts: 446
Joined: 08.03.10
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Og wrote:
With all those debates, you would become a "Master-debator!" 
That's crazy, cuz that's like my title o.O
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| Paidbydeath |
Posted on 30-03-2010 09:43
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 146
Joined: 09.02.10
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If your nose runs and your feet smell you were born upside down. |
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| Og |
Posted on 19-04-2010 00:47
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery?"
She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies,
"I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now Fuck off!"
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| Og |
Posted on 26-04-2010 18:05
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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The Studdering Cat....
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
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| FoulLil |
Posted on 27-04-2010 16:09
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 184
Joined: 08.02.10
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LOLOLOLOL |
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| Og |
Posted on 27-04-2010 22:19
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast
until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little p!ssed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows,
and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any
milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig,
so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick
the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk .'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are
you going to tell him, or should I?'
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| Paidbydeath |
Posted on 28-04-2010 01:30
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 146
Joined: 09.02.10
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lol nice one.. |
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| Paidbydeath |
Posted on 28-04-2010 01:39
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 146
Joined: 09.02.10
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There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. |
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| FoulLil |
Posted on 28-04-2010 10:28
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 184
Joined: 08.02.10
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LOLOL nice |
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| Og |
Posted on 20-05-2010 11:22
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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UP OR DOWN ?
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown.
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| Og |
Posted on 20-05-2010 11:25
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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Be the Man of Your House
Phil had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'Lil, From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
Lil replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.
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| FoulLil |
Posted on 20-05-2010 19:15
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 184
Joined: 08.02.10
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LOLOLOLOL |
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| Sonic |
Posted on 21-05-2010 17:12
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FLATUL MINION
Posts: 446
Joined: 08.03.10
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Up or down, epic story.
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| Og |
Posted on 27-05-2010 11:58
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure?
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've Never had it confirmed.'
Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but Sometimes I wonder.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
Jennifer Lopez walked in with a big smile and said, Yes i am the sexiest!
Brad Pit walked in with a TEAR in his eye and his head down and said,
"who in the hell is Og Loff?
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| FoulLil |
Posted on 28-05-2010 20:57
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 184
Joined: 08.02.10
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LMFAO!!!!! nice one oggy! |
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| Og |
Posted on 15-07-2010 18:52
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
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| Og |
Posted on 15-07-2010 19:04
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PART TIME GANGSTER
Posts: 148
Joined: 08.02.10
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.I work at great depths.I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.I work in a damp environment.I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.You fall asleep after brief work periods.You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task .. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
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